The Unhealthy Silence


Cynthia and Tobi have known each other for a while now. They met some years ago and they became friends. Tolu had to travel abroad to pursue greener pastures.

They maintained communication for a while and then lost contact with each other.  After some years, Tolu and Cynthia reconnected again and started to talk, then they began to get close. One day, during their conversation, Tolu confessed to Cynthiana about his feelings for her and even though she wasn\’t sure about how to cope with long distance relationships, she considered his proposal after careful thinking and talk with her mentor.

They began to get to know each other the more. Tolu was honest with Cynthia as he told her certain things about his life and she did likewise with him. All of a sudden, Tolu began to give Cynthia the cold shoulder. When she tried to enquire what the problem was, he told her to let him be.

Now she\’s confused… what can she do since he\’s refused to tell her what happened or why he\’s acting the way he is? Also she fears that whenever something happens, he may not tell her and give her the cold shoulder.


1. We need to know if Tolu has been complaining about something before he suddenly changed. Men change for some reasons like : When he is dealing with issues internally, when he is angry, when he is confused etc. Men can be silent in handling some issues especially when he has complained without seeing changes from the lady. Also, when he has a hidden agenda and so many more. She needs to sincerely ask herself if they have been having issues before. Was she ignoring something before now?

2. If it was a sudden change, she should trace the patterns that have been occurring in the relationship during misunderstandings to discover if it\’s a bad sign or a normal sign. He may also be thinking about the secrets they discussed incase he can\’t cope with all.

3. He may actually not want her anymore or he is into someone else and he is trying to let go. This would be painful for her but it would be worth it now than later. You can\’t afford to joke with your heart for too long.

4. He may also be confused about taking a decision on her and trying to think well.

I call this \”The Unhealthy Silence.\”

In this light, she can do the following :

1. Be more patient with him, no nagging and complains so she can get him to trust her with a communication process. He may not be willing to talk about it so she must be careful not to drag the issue.

2. After being calm about his change, she can politely ask that they talk about it and promise to handle it well, she needs mental and emotional attraction at this point to achieve this.

3. If after trying the above and he remains quiet, she should go quiet also to see if he would notice and complain. If after one week, he doesn\’t care, she should prepare her mind for the worst or best. This is the period where she would need to evaluate the essence of the relationship and begin to work on herself. Hangout with friends and become busy after reflection because a heartbreak may be in view. 

4. She needs to deliberately prove that she is strong about this issue because a man doesn\’t want a woman that is just all over him. Her strength would shock him.

Bottom line : No matter what he intends to do, her emotional maturity and his decision at this point would determine the outcome and she would also see clearly if he loves her or not. If he does, he would make it work, if not, he might walk out and she would need to step up with strength. Not easy but necessary.

This is a long distance relationship, she can\’t travel to see him, so to make him talk over the phone, she needs wisdom.

PS: If you are like Tolu and Cynthia and you need further help on your issue, you can talk to me personally. Aside that, what other efforts can she make and what do you think is wrong with Tolu?

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