Everyone desires a great marriage and while that is a good thing, we would also agree that the going could get tough at times.
There are times when it could seem like nothing is working despite all the efforts and investments you are making. It can be really tiring and frustrating.
Maybe your spouse has remained more adamant as ever and is not even showing any sign of change and you’re beginning to wonder if restoration will ever take place.
I understand your pains and I’ve shared below 5 steps to take when you feel stuck and don’t know what else to do as regards your marriage.
- EVALUATE THE CURRENT SITUATION.
The first thing to do when things are not going as you envisaged is to review the current situation you’re facing in your marriage. Reflect on what happened and see where you may be missing it.
You may want to start with these few questions;
i. How did you both get there?
ii. What is the pattern around your marriage? What is the pattern around your spouse’s parents’ marriage and your own parents’ marriage?
iii. Is there a pattern that looks similar to what is presently happening?
iv. What are the triggers that causes both of you to fight every time?
Asking these questions would help you to gain deeper insight into what is happening and you can restrategize on a better way to go about it.
- FOCUS ON GETTING BETTER
How about you take your eyes off your spouse for a while (i.e., turn a blind eye to what he/she is not doing right) and shift the focus to yourself?
What if the problem is actually with you and not your spouse?
Why do you look at the (insignificant) speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice and acknowledge the (egregious) log that is in your own eye?
Or how can you say to your brother, “Let me get the speck out of your eye”, when there is a log in your own eye?
You hypocrite (play actor, pretender), first get the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly how to take the speck out of your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:3-5 (Amplified Version)
In the process of waiting for your partner to change, are there behavioural changes you can make from your end?
Maybe all you need to do is to mind the way you think, how you address issues, your approach to matters and situations.
Do you always play the blame game when you should have taken responsibility and admit your fault? Are you always defensive when you should own up? Do you become aggressive instead of tendering your opinion to your spouse in a respectful manner when you don’t share the same view with on a matter?
Instead of pointing accusing fingers, how about you look inwards and see how you can become a better spouse?
- CLOSE THE GAPS
Looking inwards would help you see your weak points too and how you can be better.
The mind of the prudent (always) acquires knowledge, And the ear of the wise (always) seeks knowledge. Proverbs 18:15 (Amplified Version)
If you have discovered some areas that you feel like you can do better at, you can come up with a plan around the books, courses or trainings that you know you can be a part of that can help you.
You may need to learn about communication, conflict resolutions and emotional intelligence. And if you can identify certain things you need, take note of these things and observe if you can get better.
While you’re seeking ways to be better by applying knowledge, you also need to prayerfully arrest the situation by spending some time with God and ask for discernment.
Ask God for revelational knowledge, ask Him to open your eyes to the foundational issues, ask the Lord to show you what could be wrong, the adjustments that can be made because sometimes you may not be able to see things that are happening in the spiritual realm. You may need to rebuke some things spiritually.
When you seek God with all your heart, He would show you the things you need to know.
But this is the covenant which I will make with the house of Israel after those days, says the Lord. I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts; and I will be their God, and they will be My people. Jeremiah 31:33 (Amplified Version)
- HAVE A SUPPORT SYSTEM
When things are not going well, don’t stay alone and keep to yourself. Don’t be in isolation when things are getting bad. This is when you need to reach out to other believers who can stand with you in the place of prayers and walk with you to victory.
You should have a trusted elder or spiritual mentor or someone you know you can speak to that can support and guide you so that you don’t deteriorate in your mental, emotional and spiritual health.
You need someone that can enhance your spiritual growth in case you sense that you need help in that area. Never walk through the hard times of your marriage alone, there is a provision for a community in the body of Christ. You only need to find your company.
And let us consider (thoughtfully) how we may encourage one another to love and to do good deeds. Hebrews 10:24 (Amplified Version)
And don’t just report to family and friends, speak to a counselor instead.
- SPEAK TO A PROFESSIONAL COUNSELLOR
One of the things I’ve discovered is that when you finally reach out to someone who understands the Kingdom Marriage perspective and also has an understanding of psychological tools, there is a level of Light that they bring into their life with to make things get better.
It doesn’t matter if you’re the only one seeking for counselling, just make the effort to go through the process and you will notice how the level of knowledge that you’ll get can help you.
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